Men
“Men need 3 types of relationships:
Paul – a FATHER who will love/challenge.
Barnabas – a FRIEND who encourages.
Timothy – a son who he mentors.”
-Keith A. Craft
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Keith Craft nails the role of men in our community
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The Challenge of Family Violence
I was prompted by a recent discussion on FaceBook to write this response which I am sharing with all my fellow men.
I have been looking at the problem of FV for some time as a White Ribbon Ambassador and Chair of the Benalla Family Violence Prevention Network.
In our community I have been emphasising male responsibility. We males have a responsibility for our actions, as the Victorian Chief Commissioner wrote in today’s paper “It is men who predominantly do the hitting, abusing and killing. It is men’s fault that harm is caused to those they abuse, not the victims” and then makes this challenge “Men need to develop the courage to make it clear to their male friends and family members that violence against women is totally unacceptable”. So we have been talking to our young men about being a courageous leader to call out bad behaviour by their mates. Respond early, not when it is too late.
The other thing I talk about is the deep seated issues of why are young men acting so violently in their close relationships and out on the street? This requires a deep, deep conversation about society itself. To be honest, there is no quick fix. Think about this … the primary offenders are males aged between 16 and 25 years. So something has gone very wrong in the way these young men have been raised. I call this a failure in Values; a failure in Parenting; a failure by Fathers; Yet, I am encouraged that the solution is actually in the hands of men. It is about role models. It is about mentoring. It is about men showing this current generation of young men and those who are just growing up, that there is another way to live their lives.
So in this FaceBook discussion, I encourage men of courage to stand up and be an example to the men in your lives and show them that there is a better way, another way. A way that respects the women in our lives. A way that finds some ancient and timeless wisdom in these biblical values: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Thank you for the opportunity to contribute to this discussion
Posted in Family, Family Violence, Fathers, Men, Violence
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White Ribbon Day – All Men should watch this
All men should watch this very insightful video on Family Violence.
Should boys play with dolls? And other thoughts on raising boys …
White Ribbon Day posted an interesting discussion with this question.
This was my response, what do you think?
It is too simplistic an argument that somehow gender play will result in violent men? I agree with those who write that kids should be kids. This issue of influence is not about following a “politically correct” pathway thinking this is the silver bullet, it is not. Young boys growing up need to see a male role model that reflects the values we want to see in a man. Unfortunately, modern society presents a very complicated set of choices of what that image should be. What we are actually seeing is gender confusion and what IS a man and their role in life. Boys, becoming young men who are presented with such an array of examples to follow … if we think of those in the entertainment, music, movie, sport area, many of these notable men are actually poor role models for young boys/men growing up. What they need then is someone close to home, a man that reflects positive characteristics and values that make sense to them. Unfortunately, many grow up with the exact opposite, violent, controlling drunk with a poor work ethic and worse attitude. So the challenge is not about dolls, it is about the role models that we as men need to play in the lives of those boys/men growing up around us.
The forgotten answer to young men and violence
Luke Ablett (Sunday Herald Sun – January 12, 2014) introduces some disturbing concepts when describes the things boys are taught (and I assume, what he was taught) as a boy growing up.
According to Luke, boys are taught:
- To be tough.
- Boys don’t cry
- If someone does something wrong by you, you fix it, physically.
- To be a man is to be:
- a risk taker,
- to be in control,
- to be powerful,
- not be scared, to not be a pussy, to not be a girl,
- To get what’s rightfully yours.
- To drive fast and
- Drink faster.
- To measure the success of our teenage weekend parties:
- By the number of drinks we have and
- The number of girls we hook up with.
The higher the number, the cooler we are.
- Friends tell us:
- that it’s OK to drive home drunk, just go the back way, and
- That it’s funny to take that corner far too fast.
- We are told that if you have your eye on a girl and someone else manages to hook up with her that she’s a slut and that he cut your grass. You should fix that up; she was “yours”.
- We are taught that we are in charge and in control, or we at least should be, and if we aren’t, then we should do something about it.
- I was told, early on, that if trouble was brewing, I should throw the first punch: “Aim for the nose.” That way, again, I’d be in control.
What a terrible way of life Luke has described. But I want to tell everyone, it doesn’t have to be that way!
What has been lost in our modern, post-Christian society is the benefit of those men who Follow Christ (not just some religious practice, but a living, breathing faith in Jesus). These men see their lives as ones that reflect Christ in what they do, say and think.
Let’s look at a different list, a list of how a Christ following man would (should) teach his son and other young men.
The first thing we teach is about our relationship with God.
To those with no belief in God, this is an alien concept. But there are primary truths that emerge through belief and faith in God. Truth one, we are created individuals, not an accident. Truth 2, we have a purpose beyond just existing. Truth 3, God provides a set of values that does not change, which God holds us accountable to. Truth 4, we belong to a community that is focused on good, not on evil.
This relationship is based on three basic themes. We are sinners in need of a savior. God sent His Son, Jesus Christ to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. We need to accept that salvation, ask for forgiveness and make Jesus Lord of our lives.
The next thing we teach our young men is about our relationship to others.
This is based on Jesus famous words, Love your Neighbour as yourself. To do that requires we need to have our attitudes, thinking and actions changed to be like Christ.
Christ like attitudes reflect an attitude of forgiveness (God to us, Us to others), Self sacrifice (versus selfishness, self focus), Self Control (think in terms of anger, words, sex, food, cars, drink … the list is very long), Kindness and Gentleness and Respect. Respect for parents, Respect for those in authority (teachers, police, bosses, community leaders, and political leaders), Respect for others (and for boys/men, especially respect for women).
As Christ followers, these young men would be taught that they are accountability to God, to society and to themselves. Accountability is a missing ingredient in many people’s lives. God knows, he sees, you can’t escape. This is not a guilt trip, but a truth about accountability, you can’t pretend with God.
We also teach our young men to be a positive contributor to Society (good works).
Think of these areas: volunteerism, giving to the poor, and pursuit of justice, being prepared to confront evil and defend the weak. (Here is our mandate for public service, policing and serving in the Armed Forces). They would always be encouraged to look for other opportunities for do good works. (Think of White Ribbon Day campaigns).
Finally we teach our young men the virtue of hard work, to be a building and contributor to society and supporting their family.
So looking again at Luke’s examples, a Christian boy/youth/man WOULD NOT:
- focus on getting drunk
- treat girls as sex objects or call them sluts
- try and hook up (have sex with as many girls as possible)
- drink drive
- drive like a mad man
- get the first hit (Coward Punch) during a confrontation
A Christian boy/youth/man WOULD BE in control of their emotions (anger, bitterness) and of their sensual desires (lust for sex, lust for money, and lust for power).
When confronted with a violent situation a Christ following man would first and foremost be the peacemaker (in words, attitude, demeanor and actions) and walk away if possible. (There is greater courage in avoiding the fight if you can). If conflict is unavoidable (and there is no opportunity to escape, avoid or call the Police) then they would defend the weak and the defenseless (including themselves). Having done all to avoid the fight, the Christ follower would and should win the fight.
The final test in this difficult situation is when it is all over. A Christ following man would forgive would not let bitterness take control and trust the Police and the legal system to deal with it and not seek their own revenge.
In conclusion, Luke spoke of the problem of violence and how it stems from the concept of manliness being defined by men’s distorted view of power, authority and their control over their lives and those around them. Luke has wondered what we can do to solve the problem of violent young men.
The Christian definition of manliness is quite different, we measure ourselves against Jesus Christ and try and live the same way. The solution is both simple … and hard … we need to teach our boys and men to be more like Jesus, the best example of a man we could ever find.
Posted in Christianity, Family, Fathers, Men, Values, Violence
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