R = Red Flags

Posted on February 1, 2019 by Neil Stott

As part of the Acronym for R.E.S.P.E.C.T let’s start at R = Red Flags

At the core of family violence is power and control. There may not be violence present and the perpetrator may present as charming, affable and on the surface “a really nice guy” (or gal). There are no threats, no verbal abuse but under the surface, there is this sinister controlling behaviour at work. Behaviour that is not immediately obvious but the Red Flags are there.

Here is an example from a couple we know. The wife is away with a friend for a weekend end away. On the day they are to return, he uses the smart phone “Find my Phone” feature to track her journey and make sure she is home on time. He calls it “caring”, we call it a “Red Flag”. When my wife is away somewhere I might get a call to say she’s arrived safe or when she is leaving and when she expects to be home. I wouldn’t think about trying to track her journey. After all she is a smart, intelligent and self sufficient woman and a good driver in a safe car.

Here are some more “Red Flags” to think about.

The “Red Flag” of social isolation. Where the controlling partner decides who their partner can see and when.

The “Red Flag” of financial control. Where the controlling partner controls all of the finances.

The “Red Flag” of fear. I will have to ask “Bill” if that’s all right. “Bill” may not like that.

The “Red Flag” of guilt. “It’s your fault”. “You are such an idiot”. “Why do you do that all the time” and so it goes on.

What are some of the “Red Flags” that you have witnessed?

Have you called them out?

 

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12 Traits of The Man of God

Posted on January 28, 2019 by Neil Stott

Such a good list. Comments please.

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More conversation on “toxic masculinity”

Posted on January 28, 2019 by Neil Stott

Unfortunately to the average Aussie male (and males in other countries), the term “toxic masculinity” is heard as “masculinity is toxic”. This failure of communication brings such strident and strong resistance that those of us who are committed to reducing family violence need to rethink how we communicate this important message.

Men, we are with you.

But we are against your attitudes and behaviours that are just plain wrong.

But as we talk about the things that are wrong we also need to talk about the things in men that are good.

“Positive masculinity”

Which is why I am writing a book “Real Men Challenge” and encouraging this conversation … 

What is a good man?

What is positive masculinity?

Happy for your contributions.

(See the original post on FB)

 

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How “Toxic Masculinity” fails the pub test

Posted on January 20, 2019 by Neil Stott

A firestorm has erupted over the last week with Gillette releasing an ad which portrays aspects of “toxic masculinity” and then a call to men to do better. In the same week, the American Psychology Assoication (APA) released a comprehensive report on the mental health of men and in it attacked “Toxic Masculinity”.

The argument after that on social media but also in main stream media fell into two distinct and opposing camps. Those that applauded the Ad and the report for shining the light on “Toxic masculinity” and telling men to get over it and in the other group who saw this as an attack on men as a group and especially the “good men” who treat women with utmost respect and are unfairly tarnished by the “toxic masculinity” brush.

As a White Ribbon Ambassador I talk to school groups, adolescent boys, fathers, sports groups and women. I completely understand the issue that family violence is a “man’s problem” as the primary perpetrators of extreme violence are men which includes murder (one woman a week is murdered by a man who is their partner or former partner). That “power and control” is at the centre of this cultural and attitudinal problem that man (and women) use in family situations to “control” their partner’s behaviour through a variety of means (psychological, social, financial, spiritual right through to the physical). When asked “what about male victims”, I can articulate the fundamental question back to those who are asking “are they living in fear?”, and most often they are not. For women, who live in a relationship that has family violence present (in all their forms), they do live in fear and need help and support to safely exit that relationship.

Having said all that, after reading articles by various prominent women who have come out on both sides of the argument and the APA report, it is clear that the term “toxic masculinity” fails the pub test. Ordinary Australians (both men & women) hear this this as “maculinity is toxic” and therefore an attack on men as a group and fails to recognise the good in men and the “positive masculinity” that does exist but has been lost in this “toxic conversation”.

I hope that as I continue to write my book ”Real Men Challenge” that those who read this can join in the discussion to clearly state what are those “positive masculinity” traits we approve and applaud in men but also to challenge those “toxic behaviours” in both men and women and call them out.

Posted in Family Violence, Men, Values, White Ribbon Ambassador | 2 Comments

What is YOUR plan to tackle family violence in 2019

Posted on January 14, 2019 by Neil Stott

What is YOUR plan to tackle family violence in 2019

You might have made your new year resolutions and then promptly broke them.

But here is a challenge that just can’t be put aside.

In 2018, 69 women were murdered by their partner or former partner in Australia, more than 1 per week.

This is in the context of unprecedented public and media commentary about the causes of family violence and the issues victims/survivors face just dealing with daily life.

As a man, a husband, a father, a grandfather, a White Ribbon Ambassador, I know I am not alone in “Standing up, Speaking Out and Acting” to prevent men’s violence against women (and all of the other forms of violence that beset out society).

It would be too easy to say at 62, “I’ve done my bit. Time to hand over to someone else.” And in some senses I could. To see the graduates of the Pilot Youth Ambassador program become so passionate to do something about it means it not just all of us “grey hairs” doing all the talking but a new generation who are taking action.

But it is not just our role as Ambassadors. It is not just White Ribbon as an organisation. It is not just all of the other family violence services.

It is YOU. As individuals, as family members, as community members in your workplace, in your sporting clubs, in your community groups, in your schools and I ask you again this question. What is YOUR plan to tackle family violence in 2019.

For me, I am still battling on to finish my book “Real Men Challenge” and promote a “Positive Masculinity” message. But on this journey I still see some major themes that all of us can contribute to and I have used an acronym around R.E.S.P.E.C.T to highlight them.

  • R = Red Flags
  • E = Educate
  • S = Speak Out
  • P = Passion
  • E = Expand
  • C = Challenge
  • T = Tame the Tongue

I will write more about each of these over the coming weeks and look forward to your input and your own plans.

Neil Stott
White Ribbon Ambassador

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